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Saturday, April 5, 2008

Very Much Fat

I have bought a pedometer. Our treadmill is on its last legs and I can't stand the noise the motor is making. The pedometer was on sale, and since I work in a school, I always wanted to know just how many steps/miles/kilometres/calories I took/used up/burned. So I attached it to my belt and headed into the classroom.
I also told the kids that if they acted up, all I had to do was touch one button and they were zapped into another universe.
One kid believed me, and one said I'd been watching too much Star Trek.
Oh well.
But this pedometer was a bit different. It measures fat too.

Okay, here goes. After several hours of tinkering with it, trying to take the alarm off, that I had accidentally set on, I was ready to press my thumbs to the sides, hold my breath, and pray the thing had even an ounce of mercy in it.
The stupid thing doesn't.
It regisitered me as not just fat, but in its Chinese-interpreted English, it said I was 'very much fat'.
Immediately, I returned to the instruction book, hoping to discover how I had accidentally done something wrong. Apparently, it uses some kind of electrical impulse through your arms, across your chest etc.
Well, there's the problem! Every woman knows how much fat she has across her chest. This needs to be done with the toes, just for a more accurate reading.
Besides the fact that it's extremely hard to press your toes down on the sides of the pedometer in order to get the proper reading.

Still the same stupid, idiotic number.
Oops. I just remembered something.
The electrical impulse gets sent through the chest when using the thumbs. So where does it meet when using the toes?
You betcha. The rear end. The largest part on most women.
Flustered, I sat down, suddenly too pouty, and obviously too fat to move anywhere.
I flipped the pedometer over.
Made In China.
Well, that's the problem! Where I live there is a large Asian population, and most Asian women are small-boned, petite, thin and delicate.
I must look like Zena's older, fatter sister (or aunt) to them, an Amazonian whose build exceeded even Anna Swan's in her heyday.
Of course, I'm 'very much fat' compared to them. Which means there is no way I can get a true reading of my body fat. Nor can I ever reach those unattainable goals.
Mind you, what I can do is get off my pouty, disappointed butt and actually do something just for me. I paid $3.99 for this pedometer, and I am not going to waste it.
And for those of you interested, I walked 2.8 miles, used 218 calories, and took 6670 steps yesterday in school.
Though I am still very much fat.
Barbara Phinney
author of Love Inspired Suspense books that feature normal woman with fat in all the proper places.

12 comments:

diane said...

I am still rolling on the floor laughing out loud. Or I would be if I could get on the floor anymore. I cringe to think what your pedometer would say about me. Maybe "Very, very big, big woman."

But you've intrigued me. Who would have ever thought that a comment like "Very much fat" would be a goal for me? Maybe I'll get off this sofa and go shopping for my own pedometer.

Barbara Phinney said...

Diane,
Thanks for stopping by! And yes, go for it! You'd be surprised just how much walking we women do!
And never believe a pedometer that can't use adjectives propoerly!
Barbara

Barbara Phinney said...

Diane,
Thanks for stopping by! And yes, go for it! You'd be surprised just how much walking we women do!
And never believe a pedometer that can't use adjectives properly!
Barbara

Barbara Phinney said...

Good grief!
And never trust a blogger who can't blog properly!
Barbara

Shelley Munro said...

LOL Barbara. Thank goodness the pedometer I had didn't have that option! I suspect I'd be in the same category as you. :)

I had great adventures with my pedometer, narrowly missing dropping it into the toilet on several occasions. They seem to have a fatal attraction to water.

My sister also had one and my farmer father pleaded to be allowed to borrow it. He's 77, still very active and competitive. My sister said, "No, you'll lose it."

After much nagging he wore my sister down, and yes, he lost it walking from the house to the cowshed. He retraced his steps and found it but the pedometer never worked the same again. And in the spirit of competition, he had much pleasure in telling my sister he'd walked almost twenty miles during the day. Knowing his daily routine I believed him!

Meretta said...

I'm still chuckling over your post, Barbara.

I was thinking of picking up a pedometer so I could participate in the Virtual Trans Canada Trail, but I think I'll pass on the kind you got. My ample behind doesn't need anyone spouting off about it being "very much fat". ;)

Toni Anderson said...

LOL, that is too funny--and rude!! I love pedometers, they make me realize I don't just sit on my behind all day!

Barbara Phinney said...

Shelley,
What a great story. Your father sounds like the men around here! They're mostly farmers, and well, they can boast about how much walking they do.
And yes, I've dropped mine several times. Fortunately, this one has a little strap on it that you tie before you clip it. You see my pants are too tight and the darn thing pops off!
Barbara

Barbara Phinney said...

Meretta, I haven't heard about the Virtual Trans Canada Trail. What's it about?
The TCT comes quite close to my house, but we have a lot of ATVs on it, and several rather nasty dogs on the way to it.
Mind you, all I have to is show off my 'very much fat' and I'll probably scare them away!
Barbara

Barbara Phinney said...

Toni,
oh yeah, this one is rude! And there are these people icons that get bigger, the bigger you are. I'm flashing the biggest, and quite frankly, I do not look like that person!
Barbara

Lynn said...

Barbara, I really enjoyed your pedometer story. I found it especially appropriate, since I was at the gym today. In the dressing room was a group of Asia women. They were telling one woman that she was skinny, She kept saying, "Not skinny." Then she preceded to show them how she could "pinch an inch". She had to work to get that inch.

I told her that the rules had changed. Now you need to be able to pinch a foot to be in the "very much fat" category.

Barbara Phinney said...

Lynn, the young Asian girls around town call home to their mums and dads, and their mums *always* ask if they are fat now that they're living in Canada! One told her mum yes, that she'd put on 4 pounds!
I laughed out loud when I heard that, then realized that the poor girl was serious. But when I was young and thin, 4 pounds meant a lot to me, so I shouldn't laugh.
Nowadays, four pounds constitute the normal weight of my purse!!!